jem42

Would you Adam & Eve it - the world's dullest blog?

Word fail me - they really do. All I can muster is - read this 'blog' for an instant cure for insomnia.

Language Log, on the other hand, is a fabulous example of the blog at its best - engaging, informative, authoritative and talking to a very specific audience - those who take language too seriously. It's multi-authored, multi-edited and an original source of considered, informed opinion. A shining beacon of hope in the blogosphere.

Anyone want to see my YouTube entry of a cat running up some curtains... No?

Facebook/Scrabble farago - Hasbro and Mattel are sooooo not down with Web 2.0

Scrabulous is one of Facebook's most popular applications. Thousands of Facebookers (Fabs) use it to play games of Scrabble with each other. It's the Scrabble version of correspondence chess (yep, it's just another digitised innovation of something we've been doing for decades).

It's a great way of playing a cerebral game over several days or weeks at a wonderfully genteel pace. Or at a caffeine-fuelled lick if that's the  sort of game you prefer. Good news all round. Except the guys who wrote the app simply filched the idea of Scrabble and didn't bother to ask its co-owners Mattel and Hasbro if they could. It's such a blatant copy there can be no doubt it's outright passing-off.

So what do the owners do? Realise that a huge, growing online community is playing their game on Facebook and they've been given a ready-made, easily convertible market who are pre-disposed to buying their game? Take steps to embrace the growing number of users by engaging with them in an clever, thoughtful way - offering prizes for top scores, organising on- and offline Scrabble events - and so gently coax them into buying the special edition Facebook version of the game at an online discount?

Nah - they've brought the lawyers in and threatened to close the whole shooting match down 'cos they weren't making any coin out of it. They're so in touch with the modern world, these big corporations. Knobs.

Prime minister Brown is political equivalent of Ernie Wise

While Tony Blair jets around the world underwhelming after-dinner audiences for gross amounts of money, Gordon Brown is slowly but surely losing the next General Election. At the CBI conference today, Brown's presence created an atmosphere of turgid indifference, as the event went off like a damp damp-squib.

Blair and Brown, the Eric and Ernie of Westminster
They were the greatest double-act in UK politics for decades. Yet, when you separate Blair and Brown it's obvious neither really works without the other. While Blair was the guy with the wisecracks and audience-winning banter, Brown was the straight man, never quite keeping up and always the butt of big Tone's nasty, cheek-slapping put-downs.
 
Tony Blair and Gordon Brown share
a moment of levity during the Hutton
Inquiry


Blair - dazzling compared to the bookish Brown - seemed eminently watchable, witty, erudite and able to give an audience exactly what it wants. Without him, though, Tony looks ordinary, less slick.

Brown - dour, serious, Scottish - seemed content to hit his marks, feed Tony punchlines and take the odd political custard pie for the cause. Without Tony, though, he just looks like a little boy lost - a clown who's just not very funny.

Next time you're getting wound up by Brown, just think of him at Number 10, sitting up in bed with Tony a la Eric and little Ern. Makes me laugh.

Life under Cameron? Bring it on. A change is as good as a rest as far as I can see. And, for anyone out there muttering about Thatcher and the Poll Tax and how inhuman I am wanting a Conservative Government, get a life: that was an eternity ago. If you really think UK politics will ever see the likes of that style of must-do-bugger-the-consequences politics again, you're sorely mistaken. No media-savvy, Web 2.0 political leader is ever going to make any kind of ballsy decision again. Thanks to the democratisation of democracy we're doomed to sit-on-the-fence politics for ever more.

Rant over.

Emily Nakanda - X Factor contestant - in second video-nasty denial

First she was accused of being in - or at least knocking about with - a knife gang. And of threatening to cut some lad's eyes out. Which, of course, was merely an allegation. Nothing ever proved, right?

Now Emily is caught on video happy-slapping a pal - so she says. It looks to me like a half-innocent bit of playground rough and tumble, to be honest. Although, I wouldn't have liked to endure the hair-pulling onslaught myself.

Conclusion: our Emily's a bit rough. Nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn't want to spend time in her company and I certainly wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her.

True, she may have had a tough upbringing but so did Billy Elliot - and he turned out okay. So why can't she?

The shame of it, really, is the X Factor producers' reaction. Having ploughed so much money into grooming her to be a star, they'll do anything - including selling their dignity - to keep her in the show. The moment it was clear she was involved in both these nasty incidents, she should have been shown the door. Not because she's done anything illegal. Just because what she's done is really, really unpleasant and the sort of behaviour, surely, we should all be doing everything we can do to discourage. What sort of message does her instant rehabilitation send to other kids? That being a nasty, spiteful, violent person is somehow okay? Making an example of her may be unfair but life's like that, I'm afraid.

Here endeth the lesson.

X Factor's youngest-ever contestant in song-choice drama

Far be it from me to comment on the shocking news - carried by the Red Tops today - that one of the X Factor contestants is (allegedly) the star of a charming mobile phone video in which she jokingly promises a teenager being threatened with a six-inch knife that he is about to be blinded. I wouldn't make a comment because it might not be true.

However, in a totally unrelated piece of selfless advice, I suggest Emily Nakanda, aka Lady Shiverz, should think carefully about what she sings on this week's show. Some songs she might want to avoid include:

• Mack the Knife
• The First Cut is the Deepest
• Bleeding Heart

And, finally, I've Been Busted as a Nasty Piece of Work and am Reportedly a Member of a Knife Gang (my own composition).

Simon Cowell must be very proud of his protege. He really can spot genuine talent.

Bloggers face lawyers' onslaught

The Grauniad brings news that lawyers are sharpening their pencils and getting ready to capitalise on a new growth market - outing bloggers who say defamatory things about the great and the good.

The paper cites a recent case when directors from Sheffield Wednesday FC got a judge to force a website into revealing the real identities of fans who'd been calling them names. Which makes them the first directors of a football club in the history of the game  to insist that fans don't say nasty things about them - or else! What a bunch of... Hold on a minute, I better not say owt in case the big Owls come get me...

Twats.

Hitchens can't resist showing off
I'm a lowly hack, so can't really criticise someones so universally successful as Christopher Hitchens.

But he can't half name-drop/show-off/lose you with ever-more obscure verbiage and literary references.

So what? He's still a pleasure to read, I guess

Excite blog misses point with monster round-up

I know it's all very subjective but a new list published via Excite's ents blog of the 31 scariest movie monsters was way off - it contained humans. We all know Michael Myers acted like a monster, but he was just a man/boy/knife-wielding nutter.

Fact is it should just have been monsters in the Sci-fi sense of the word. Like Alien.

And, of course, the winner should have been Carpenter's 1982 monsterpiece - The Thing.

What do you reckon?

Spam, spam, spam - no more spam
If you're looking for information, help and resources to combat Spam (crap emails sent by anonymous losers, not spiced ham), fellow blogger Brian points to scanemail.com.

I had a quick look and it's a good one-stop-shop for all things anti-spam, scam and phishing.

Take a look and let me know if you've got any great tips for stopping Spam getting through my filter.

By the way: Spam first went into production in 1937. It's a made-up name and doesn't mean Spiced Amercian Meat as many people think. Get the full history of Spam here.

Oh, and Spam fritters rock.

<a href="http://technorati.com/claim/s92y5byet2" rel="me">Technorati Profile</a>

Puppies at the centre of latest email fraud
It's too preposterous for anyone to fall for, surely? Two missionaries sending prospective emails pleading for someone to adopt their Yorkshire Terrier - which must come home because it can't handle the African heat.

All you have to do is send Evelyn Wilson - aka email fraudsters - a large lump of dosh.

Presumably this must work on some people, or the crooks wouldn't bother doing it. But who are the people who fall for this sort of thing? If they're bionically dim enough to fall for it - how do they then dress/feed/wash themselves?

Conclusion: they must be bi-polar, surely?

Laters

Ggogle's 'tweaks' reveal company's un-American nature

The LA Times reports that some neo-con bloggers think Google is not American enough. The evidence? Google celebrated the 50th anniversary of the first Sputnik space mission with a special logo on its homepage. The company does the same for Independence Day on 4 July as well as other significant dates in the calendar.

Of course, the Sputnik programme was developed by Soviet Russia - god-damn Commies... And that's really annoyed these Yanks.

And they don't celebrate Veterans' Day which, of course, means everyone at Google doesn't support US Armed Forces personnel. Pur-lease.

Some folk in that country have to lighten up. If they wanted the Google logo to celebrate all things American - all the time - it would be quite a task.

And what would they choose as significant enough to celebrate? Any thoughts?

Beat box par excellence

For some wicked talent and a good giggle at the Frenchies taking it all way too seriously, this guy is great...

BBC set to show raunchy side of Tudors
Anyone who knows anything about Henry VIII knows the man had a huge appetite for life. His libido is the focus of a new BBC2 series which starts on 5 October. Lots of heaving breasts, apparently, and plenty of bodice-ripping tomfoolery. The scrumptious Natalie Dormer is on full view, apparently - so make sure you tune in.

However, the show's historical accuracy is in doubt. Lots of artistic licence, apparently. Why? Isn't the whole point of historical drama that it should enlighten us as to the psychological, political and emotional machinations of the great and the good from ages past? If writers simply change facts to suit plot twists, the whole thing becomes absurd. Why not make up the whole thing, rather than creating something half-baked?

The show was commissioned for US TV. Surely we should at least try and promote our factual history to them - albeit packaged up with plenty of flesh to make the 'boring' bits more palatable for the Yeehas! across the Pond.

Look out for Andrew Davies' adaptation of John Cleland's classic Fanny Hill coming to BBC Four soon too.

Excite blogs worth a gawk
Friends of mine produce the daily content for these. They're very, very well written. Stick 'em in your RSS feeds and get a chuckle a day, minimum. There are four to choose from:

Sport
Sex
Technology
Entertainment

Laters.

Ofsted saves my daughter from being a bigot

Thanks to the timely intervention of the Government's educational standards watchdog - Ofsted (which, conincidentally, is Farsi for "waste of time") - my daughter is no longer going to turn out a racial bigot. Her privately-funded playgroup in Chiswick - the excellent Amanda's Action Kids - is no longer allowed to teach her the original lyrics to Baa Baa B***k Sheep (I've used asterisks here in case using the word b***k makes me out to be a bigot too.) Why? Because Ofsted says the lyrics are inappropriate.

My wife is delighted. She says this means the burden of bringing Lily up to be a rounded, tolerant, happy human being is now obviously the responsibility of Ofsted. Not ours as parents. We can get on with our cross burnings and lynchings...

I can't tell you how flabbergasted I was when I heard about this. Ofsted should look closely at itself - undermining its own credibility with such ludicrous pedantry is endangering all children's welfare.

Hemingway's The Snows of Kilimanjaro - tragic masterpiece
I've been reading some of Ernest Hemingway's most celebrated books recently - The Old Man and the Sea, Men Without Women (collection) and The Snows of Kilimanjaro. Of all of his wonderful stories, none moved me as much as the title story of his stunning collection, The Snows of Kilimanjaro.

How does he make 20-odd pages seem so enthralling, so encapsulating, so dramatically real. I've never been to the slopes of that famous mountain - but I feel like I have. Inside, I could swear I've been to the very spot where poor Harry lay, dying.

Read the story, even if you don't read any more Hemingway. It's a rare treat - a masterpiece of descriptive, beautifully melancholic, chillingly sad prose. A story of simple brilliance.

Buy The Snows of Kilimanjaro on Amazon for just £3.99 - it's a steal...

Free £15000 Share Centre portfolio resembling Lazarus
Having set up a free trading account with a dummy £15k pot to play with on Share.com, things went great for a few days. I made over £600 in only four days. True to form, though, the FTSE proved a fickle mistress and, in short, I took a bath on Go-Ahead group shares.

Like Mary Shelley's monster, however, I cut out the moribund bits, tinkered around with its makeup, and added on some fresh new parts. And, good heavens... It's ALLLLLIIIIVVVVVEEEEEEE!

If you've always fancied playing the markets - but never had the money - try this great little web tool. It's addictive.

My tip - get heavily into mining (especially the dodgy Afrikans companies). It's not real so you don't have to worry about your conscience. Check out Rio Tinto for a safe bet.

Laters

Movies (comedy) to see before you're too incontinent to sit through 90 minutes

Genuinely funny films are few and far between. Of course, choosing our favourites is a personal exercise. And subjectivity plays an enormous part in our appreciation of each. One man's Police Academy is another's Mon Oncle. Which naturally makes anyone else's recommendations only partially useful.

Here are three more of my favourites, though, in no particular order:

• Seven Year Itch (Billy Wilder) - publisher (Tom Ewell) - left alone in Manhattan for the summer when his wife and son escape the city heat - develops a crush on the upstairs neighbour (Marilyn Monroe). Ewell is hilariously neurotic, Monroe is mesmerically sexy and the script ticks along at a fab pace.
• King Pin (Farrelly Brothers) - Bill Murray steals the show as Ernie McCracken  - sleazeball extrordinaire - in this genuinely silly but, at times, laugh-out-loud funny skit on the world of pro ten-pin bowling. There are some sublime moments of slapstick - including the funniest knee in the groin you're ever likely to see - and some cracking dialogue too.
• Les Grandes Vacances (Jean Girault) - okay, it's a French movie with subtitles - but it's bloody funny. And there's lots of gentle French naughty-nudity. Louis de Funes is a master at playing the archetypal grumpy old git. It's a belter.

Laters.

BBC - must do better
I don't point any of my web writing trainees to BBC.co.uk any more. Most of the content follows the conventions of best practice for writing on the web. The news stories genuinely break news. But all the supporting stuff - well, a lot of it - is, frankly, filler.

Here's an example - see if you can work out the point of this article: Could you read 100 novels in 100 days?

It's just drivel. It tells you nothing, other than that the journalist has been told to plug The Man Booker prize by the sub-editor. Shame.

Bookies favourite is Ian McEwan's On Chesil Beach, by the way...